Can't Believe It

Well, it has now been 4 months and 4 days. I can't believe it. I can't believe this is my life.

We had such a plan. We knew what we wanted to do, and now I am left here trying to do it or not, and trying to decide how to do it or not. How in the heck am I supposed to do any of this without him?

If you would have asked me 4 months and 5 days ago what I would be doing this very week, I would have said cleaning, making sure that all of the projects were done, working my butt off trying to get ahead so that I could take a week off with my husband when he got home. Who knows, I maybe even would have said that I was preparing to take him with to his first doctor's appointment for our first baby. Four months and 5 days ago I wouldn't have had a date to think about just yet, but I would have known by now, and I know that I would be doing so much more than just sitting here wondering "Why?".

I can't believe that my life changed in one day. My entire life changed in one day. Our entire plan of our entire life changed in one day. Technically, in one instance.

I know that he wouldn't want me to mope around. That is precisely why I am trying not to do that. I have been trying to do something constantly to keep my mind off of things. In the last 4 months and 4 days, I have travelled, I have extended our driveway (with my Daddy and his brother Jason), built a shed (also with my Daddy), installed a toilet, cleaned the garage twice, cleaned the house numerous times (although you can't tell sometimes), started back to work, I have started working out again, gone to movies, gone out with friends, gone to bed early, gone to bed late, driven around town many times, had cars fixed, turned 30, made it through the holidays, as well as our anniversary and had numerous "places to be". In the last 4 months and 4 days, I have buried my husband. And that is all that my mind really comes back to, ever.

I could never call myself lazy. I never have been lazy. Sometimes I might be lazy with "this or that", but usually that only lasts a day or so, and usually the laziness that is more because I am doing something else or my mind is elsewhere. I have to be constantly moving. I was like that even before 4 months and 4 days ago. Part of me thinks that my activities help me, but I often wonder how much it is going to hurt me in the long run, not stopping and breathing.

Matt deployed with Torch party last year. He was one of the very first four or five people from the unit that left in February. That group is starting home towards the end of this week or early next week. They are going to be home soon. MATT should be coming home with them. When we learned of him leaving early, we tried to be positive. The sooner you go, the sooner you come home. First one out, first one back. Even though every second I am not busy doing something else I am thinking about this, it still does not seem real to me. I still cannot believe that this is us. It was never supposed to be us.

So, now I have to try to figure all of this out. I am going to continue to not mope around, but I am terrified of how much this is really going to hit me when everyone else comes home. I am so, incredibly thrilled that everyone else is coming home, but I am also so, incredibly envious that they get that and absolutely devastated that he and I and our family do not. The other families get to have theirs home, why can't my husband come home? And they are all going to come home knowing that they are coming home without 9 of the greatest and bravest men of this country.

Thank you, all, for your service. Thank you to the soldiers and their families. Thank you for your sacrifice, and thank you for your honor in serving for your country. Welcome home, and please, hug yours tighter. That is exactly what I would be doing if I were given the opportunity.

Crazy

I am Crazy. I am CRAZY. But, my Mom said it best. "Tiff, you ARE crazy. You are crazy in love".

As I sit here, listening to his iPod at midnight, wide awake after having a productive and strong day, and a visit with a fellow "crazy-in-love-r", I am filing through song after song, playing however they will, and finding meaning in everything that is playing. He's talking to me. I am going to listen. You know what? "She Talks to Angels". I do. He listens. And he smiles, so I smile back. And when he talks to me, I listen. I smile, and he smiles back.

I have lost him. I have lost HIM. It took me a long time, and a long journey to find him. But, unlike so many people, I DID find HIM. I didn't settle. He DID find ME. He didn't settle. We waited and fought through the journeys, and we found each other. And, you know what? I am not going to let this physical loss take him away from me. I will see him again one day. I will hold him, hug him, kiss him, and never, ever let him go. Nothing will ever be able to separate us then. I can't wait. I have more to do on this Earth, and then it will be time for me to see him again.

I know that I have already said it many times, but he really did make me feel like the most special person on this planet, no matter how far away he was. I know who we are, and I plan on continuing that. I know who he made me. He did make me what I am, really, and it is hard to sometimes keep that going without him, but those are only minor stumbles, ultimately. He has lifted me up. He has shown me that life is hard, but there is ALWAYS a reward at the end of the struggle. HE IS MY REWARD. He was for the first 30 years of my life, and he will be when my journey is over. Selfishly, I do want him here. I want to have my cake and eat it too, but knowing that I have to find and finish my journey here so I can see him again makes it that much more important to me to find it and finish it. I will travel whatever distance I need to, just to see him, hug him, hold him and love him again.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its back to work I go.....

Wow. I can't believe I have been gone from work for 3 1/2 months! It seems so unfair to my coworkers that I have been gone that long, especially knowing how busy we were BEFORE I had to go.

Its weird. I can't even hardly picture myself back at work. Back to "normal". I know that my normal won't be normal anymore. The number one thing that will be different from then to now is that my hubby won't pop up on my chat, or call in the middle of the day. I guess that is a distraction gone, but let me tell you, that was a MUCH needed and MUCH wanted distraction.

Every time I start thinking about stuff like this, Ozzy Osbourne's song "Life Won't Wait for You" comes on. That is one of Matt's favorite artists. It is on right now. I hear that song ALL the time now. I don't know if it is new or not, but it is definitely fitting in most of my life's situations lately.

How does one take that step in to normalcy? People say that work will be good for me. That it will help me think about something else. What if I CAN'T think about it, and stop thinking about him? I used to be good at my job. What if I am NOT good at my job anymore? Honestly, my every thought is still about him. And worse yet, what if I DO stop thinking about him?!?! Terrifying.

I wish, I wish, I wish this were not true. On occasion, I even talk myself in to believing it is not real, and that he is just on a mission of some sort, and that the briefing will reveal my husband. And that he will now get out of the Army, because we will not go through this again. How crazy is that? Denial. Denial. That is all it is.

I am so scared that because we had such a short time together, I am going to think that this- HE- was all a dream. Honestly, there does not exist the perfection that he is. There really doesn't. He was human, so he did make mistakes, but he was the closest to perfection that I have ever experienced. I am trying so hard to live up to that, and absolutely terrified of failure.

With all this going on in my head, how am I supposed to focus on work? How am I supposed to be able to be as good at my job as I once was? How am I supposed to step back in to my role, just like I never left? It really doesn't seem possible. But, it has to be possible. I have to just figure it out.

I am thankful to all of my coworkers and especially my boss for helping me through this, and helping me get the time I needed, especially this last week. I needed it. I feel MUCH more prepared this week than I did last week. I honestly probably would have had a nervous breakdown last week if I were trying to go back.

So, now to step in to my new "normal". I hope it fits me.

2010

I don't think it is fair that the best year of my life and the worst year of my life are all lumped in to one.

Obviously, it is the best year. I married Matt, my best friend and my soulmate. In two days, we will be married for one year. I have never had a higher honor than being his wife. I am a good wife, too. He is a wonderful husband. Never a doubt. He always held me, and I him, in love, peace, protection, trust. Never will anyone ever be able to take that away from us. Ever.

Obviously, it is the worst year. Matt, my husband, best friend and my soulmate was taken away from me. Our dreams were taken away from us. Our plans, our hopes, our future. All of this was ripped away in a split second. God needed him more than me. He needed him more than his family and his friends. It doesn't seem possible.

The first seven weeks of 2010 were amazing. He was HERE. We got to call each other Husband and Wife. I got to see his smile and he got to see mine. We laughed and teased. We were with our friends and family. We got to plan for our future, even if it was to be delayed a year. We got to talk more about our hopes and our dreams and what we wanted to do. We got to hug and kiss and just love each other. We got to hold hands, go to Home Depot, get ice cream, watch movies, cuddle, build stuff, and just show each other how much we cared for and loved each other. He was here. He was safe. He was with me, and nothing could have ever happened to him. I was with him, and safe, and nothing could have ever happened to me. He was HERE.

Then, he was taken away for a war that he had his own opinions about. It was a job. He would have rathered been here, protecting us state-side. He would have rathered been here with me, and with our family and our friends. He tried to get in to protect us state-side. He always wanted to protect, but he felt that we had higher needs to protect ourselves first.

He called. We wrote. We chatted. We had many means of communication, considering he was at war. But it just isn't the same as if he were here. But, we still got to plan our lives, one step at a time, from the day he came home, first for R&R, and then for good. We planned a honeymoon, Harley rides, and family outings and trips. For example, his sister's wedding. He couldn't wait to meet his newest niece, or see our other nieces and nephews. Our siblings and parents, our cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents. We were going to go and see friends in AL and SC and NY. We planned to travel East to meet some friends who are now stationed in Korea. Those were all short term. We also had long term plans in there. Babies, a home, whether or not he was going to stay in the Army. Babies, Toddlers, Teenagers, Grandkids. Building more "stuff". His Blazer he wanted to build. Babies. A Family of our Own. Of course, I would anxiously await the next communication the second we had to finish the first. But, there was always a next time. And there was always a countdown to when he would be home.

Please, please when you say your prayers tonight, say them for the soldiers that are over there. Pray they have a next time. Pray they come home safely. Pray for the strength and unity of a marriage and a family to withstand the distance and the separation. Prayers can be heard. They can be felt. I felt them when you all were praying for me. I felt them very strongly and could feel the many, many prayers coming my way. Please, also give that to the soldiers who are in harms way. And know that when our men and women, our 101st, comes home, another brigade has to go back over, so never stop praying for this. Always pray for the strength and guidance of the command team, and pray that they do what is best for their soldiers and our country, but remind them that the soldiers are also individuals with families, lives, homes and hearts back here. Pray for Peace on Earth (I know, cliche, but still...). Pray that we might find a way to end the suffering and destruction. Maybe t he combination will bring them safely home.

When I first found out about Matt, I was so angry. Why didn't OUR prayer work? We even said it out loud, holding hands, together, praying with everything we had that he would come home safely. We asked God to let him come back to us. But, maybe someone else, somewhere else, was praying harder. I don't know what to think about what is going on. I purposely have not followed it for the last year, to protect myself, but before that, I just knew that for some reason, the only way to find peace was to kill? That never has, and never will, make sense to me. Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter which way you spin it. But, when being bullied, you must also stand up and defend yourself. Sometimes, at this point, I wonder who is bullying whom, though.

Another positive about the deployment, however, is that our relationship did grow stronger throughout, I think. I think both of us had our grumpy days, for sure, but we always, always knew how much we loved each other. Twelve months is a long time to be away from a loved one, especially during the first year of marriage, but we would make it through. In my opinion, we DID make it through, minus the "small little detail" of him being gone. In the grand scheme of things, even that is not enough to separate us. No matter what, I still love him, and he still loves me. He is still my best friend, and I am still his best friend. I gave him my lifetime, and he gave me his. Together, we can get through anything.

In two days, we will be married for a year. I haven't seen my husband, held his hand, kissed his lips or hugged him in 45 weeks. He has been gone for 14 1/2 weeks. I will not get that again. So, with that being said, no year is going to be better than this one.

Its all about perspective. I will never have a better year, so what do I have to look forward to? I will never have a worse year, so what do I have to lose?

I like what I said above. I wanted to end this post there, but I know that it could be read the wrong way. It means that I love my husband, and because of him, I have had the best year of my life, and fulfilled the greatest role I will ever hold, as his wife. It also means that I have nothing more to lose, but only a way to move up, one step at a time, to fulfill our dreams. They won't be exactly the same, ever, because he can no longer physically be part of them. But, because of him, I will have the strength to move forward. I may be at a standstill right now, but I will move forward. Every step I take is moving forward, no matter how small, because it is a step. I will regain strength and have built up lots of endurance over the past 3 1/2 months. No matter what, one thing I can never, ever again call myself is Weak. He made me that way. He made me that way in life, and he made me that way, even more so, in death. I will still use it as a descriptor for a day, but it will never refer to Me.

I am sorry if this blog is a selfish rendition of a grieving widow. But, that's what it is. The Wagstaff Journey has only just begun. Again, I have no idea where it is going to take me, but it will take me anywhere but backwards.

Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

Roses

Today has been three months. Three months?!? Where did all the time go? It seemed sometimes that during deployment, three months was like three years. Now, it seems like just a few days. It has been 91 days. It has been 13 weeks. Our lives have been turned upside down. Or, we are still in deployment mode. I can't figure out which way.

So many things have gone through my mind. So many different scenarios to figure out. My mind is quite imaginative, so some thoughts are worse than reality, while others pretend that this never happened and leave me in bliss, waiting for my husband to come home. I haven't figured out yet which ones are less hurtful. No matter what, I have to come back to the reality that he is not here.

I thought I had it figured out. I thought WE had it figured out. We did things the right way. We both waited until we found the one that we were supposed to be with. The one that was meant for each of us. We didn't settle. God pushed us so that we wouldn't settle. Together, we found that. We had that conversation so many times. There was always a reason that different relationships that we both had been in didn't work out, even if that is what we really thought we wanted, and when we found each other, we KNEW that it was because God had a greater plan for us...to find each other and to be together. Together, Matt and I could accomplish anything. We really could.

When I was in Utah, I bought this little stuffed dog at IHOP of all places. I wasn't going to, but it was cute and pink and soft. Why does a 30 year old woman need a little stuffed animal? Well, the tag said "Love to Baby" (one of our nicknames for each other). I had to pick it up. We were trying to find a name for it, and Makayla said "What about Pinky"? All I could think of was Pinky and the Brain. Then, I remembered that when I asked Matt what he wanted to do, he would say "Plan to Take Over the World", like on that show, ha ha. So, that's his name.

I am looking for signs everywhere. Probably looking too much in to them, but I am constantly looking, to know that he is right by me, pretty much at all times. The rainbows. The fact that I have somehow been able to fix stuff that I have no idea of its inner workings. The Rose. Let me tell you about the Rose. I love this one.

I went to put some roses on a friend's husband's (also KIA) grave while in Utah. She only wanted two on the grave, and they sold them only in a dozen. So, I took the rest out to Matt. Matt and I used to always joke "I love you", "I love you", and I would say "I love you infinity plus one more time than you will ever say", and he would say "and I love you one more time than that". Of course, I would laugh and tell him that he couldn't do that, because I already said "plus one more time than you will ever say". He would then say "I just did".

So, I am taking these roses out to his grave. I had already put a kiss box out there the day before. I figured I had three kiss boxes for him- one on the grave, one at his parent's house, and one for me. I would put a rose in each of the the kiss boxes. I then had 7 more, so one rose for every day of the week. I start pulling off the petals on the roses and saying "I love you, You love me". I get down to the last one, and I say "I love you. See honey? One more time than you will ever say". I get up to start straightening the flag, etc at his grave site, and there on the ground lies another petal. He just did.

I go home, and put the flowers in my kiss box, but started with "You love me, I love you". I was being very cautious this time, making sure that I didn't drop any. When finished, I ended on "I love you". I get up to get my third and final kiss box, and another petal is in the flower bag. Again. He just did.

I laughed and told him that if this happened again, I would become obsessive about it, and that I would probably go buy the grocer out of flowers. The third box, the one for his house, didn't do it this time. It ended on "You Love Me".

I am not sure if my sign-searching is helpful or not. Generally, it puts a smile on my face. Actually, it always does, because I know that he really is there watching me. But, I am also looking for signs constantly, which might distract me from other happenings at this time. And, it sometimes perpetuates the "this didn't happen" thoughts in my head.

When I need help with something, I ask him. I find the answer shortly thereafter, but I am sure that he gets a laugh out of the silly things that I am doing in the meantime until I find the answer. My dad and I put up a shed on Thanksgiving, but it needed to be finished the next day as it was too cold and rainy Thanksgiving. Well, I went out and started finishing it up, and could not figure out how I could get the panels on the roof on correctly. I played with it, got mad at it, and then asked him. Well, I had two of the panels reversed and simply had to turn them 180 degrees. And my eyes went right to it, after about 2 hours of fighting with it, and I knew what to do. Really? Like I would have figured that out alone...

I don't know why, when we both FINALLY found each other, God took him away. I have no idea why that is. I don't think it is fair. I don't think that it is fair that I, his Mom and Dad, Brother and Sister, Sister in Law, future Brother in Law, my Mom and Dad and Step Mom, my brothers and sister, our friends, our nieces and nephews, his coworkers, everyone! has to endure this pain. I hope that the bliss he is feeling in heaven is enough to overshadow every bit of hurt that we all feel now. And I know, that if the bliss he has is this much, heaven must be an incredibly wonderful and spectacular place, and one that our minds will not let us even imagine. That is the ONLY way that this is fair. Life isn't fair. Maybe Death is.

Three months. Three MONTHS I have been without him. I have been floating around "without a clue" of what to do or where to go next. I have been terrified of taking the next step of moving forward. I haven't been able to go back to work. I haven't been able to continue at the gym, I haven't been able to talk to some people that I am close with. All of it is because I feel like those are steps I am taking without him. I know that he would want me to move forward. I have been able to do things that I could do during deployment, projects for "when he comes home", but am paralyzed when it comes to the first step of Life without him.

I watched our wedding video today for the first time. I miss him. I miss that day. I miss the hopes and visions that we had of our future. I am thankful that we did not know on our wedding day that this is who I was going to be significantly less than a year later. And that he would be gone.

Why did God push us so hard so that we wouldn't settle, and then He took Matt away?

Our first anniversary is on January 2. I hope I see another Rainbow that day. And I am going to pull the petals from Roses.

Thankful

With everything going on, sometimes I get lost in myself, and I worry about our family, our future, and our present. Sometimes I forget to think about all the things that are wonderful in my life, especially now.

I am very thankful, first and foremost, for the time that I had with Matt. For the way that we made each other feel, and the way that we loved each other- wholeheartedly- forever. I am very, very thankful for that. I am very thankful that we didn't argue over insignificant things. That we showed our love for each other so that we both could see it, but also so that everyone else could see it too. It is very obvious the way that we feel about each other. I have that to hold on to for the rest of my life. Thank God.

I am also thankful for our family and our friends. Gosh, how could any of us have gotten through this if we didn't have each other? I am thankful for the strength that his family has brought me this week, because last week was not a good one for me. I couldn't find strength, and I felt like I was being bombarded with one thing after the next. They have been a source of solice and strength for me this week. I can feel Matt stronger when I am with them. I really hope that I can give the same to them that they give to me.

I am thankful for my family as well. I think that we have become a stronger unit through time, and that Matt even got to see the strength of my family bonds as well. I am thankful that I can call my Mom and talk to her, or that my Dad will come over whenever I need him to, even if I don't really know that I need him sometimes. I am thankful that my brothers and sister are there to help me, and that hopefully I can help them too. I want our memories of Matt to be fluid in our strength as a family also.

I am thankful for our friends. Especially for those who really knew us together. Those that I can share memories with, and those that understand our relationship. It helps to be able to have fun memories to talk about and laugh about. I am thankful for April for helping me in my very darkest moments, and for being there when I need her.

I am thankful for Captain Butler, who came in to our family not knowing a single one of us, what our reactions would be, how we would handle his death, and has been able to guide us through the worst time of our lives. Her loving, caring, compassionate nature has allowed her to be a saving grace, for all of us. She is now part of the family, and is also a hugger now, ha ha. :) She has been a wonderful blessing to our family, and I am so proud of her accomplishments in the Army, and personally. I know that she will make incredible feats that will only make her even more beautiful of a person than she already is, if that is even possible.

I am thankful for the soldiers, seamen, airmen and marines that are all still serving. All still sacrificing their time, their holidays, their lives for our country. I am thankful that they do this selflessly, and are able to continue their duties when they have lost so much. So much time, so many memories, and also friends. They continue to be there, away from home, because they are protecting us.

I am thankful for my dog, Lily. She is just like my child, so please don't think it is silly. She is there to hug me when I need it, and to distract me when I need that more. She gives puppy kisses, and she is a constant reminder, especially when I am alone, of the love that Matt had for both of us. He used to talk to her on the phone and she would get so excited to hear her Daddy's voice. She used to nibble on his toes when we first started dating him, and she always gave him "drive by slobber kisses" that he would grumble about, but always laugh and knew that he was loved.

I am thankful for all of these things, so I need to not be so sad and weak that I am missing him. I am a generally positive person, and the last week took a lot of strength out of me, but I am finding it again, hopefully. So, for the fact that today I have hope, that makes things better.

I love you, sweet husband of mine. I love you so much. So, so, so much. I miss you like crazy, and can't wait to see you again. But, in the meantime, I will still continue to smile for you.

I love you and am thankful to have you in my Life!

Strong, Weak and Numb

I realize now that days are not measured by "Good" or "Bad". Life, for me now anyways, is measured by a Strength scale. Some days measure higher than others. A 9 or 10 is a strong day. A 1 or 2 is a weak day. Anything in between is just a Numb day.

On a Strong day, I can eat normally, I can sleep, I can be productive, and I can even laugh. Those are the days when I feel like my family and friends, and most of all Matt, are near me, helping us all get through the days. Together we will get through this. Those are the days that I am not afraid that someone else is going to get hurt or die that day. Those are good days.

On a Weak day, I am crying. I am angry, I am sad, I am just beside myself in pain- physical, mental and emotional. There is no eating. There is not very much sleeping, there is absent-mindedness, clumsiness, and more than anything, selfishness. I can't see past myself on those days, other than with the overwhelming fear that it is someone else's time which is going to hurt me worse than I am already hurting. I really, really dislike weak days.

All the other days are Numb days. I don't feel anything. I don't really want to talk to anyone or do anything, but I still push myself through the motions of getting stuff done. I eat, but not because I am hungry- because I know I have to. I sleep in exhaustion, although probably not as good as I should.

My days vary between all three levels as well. I can go from Strong to Weak in the snap of a finger, or the words of a stranger that have absolutely nothing to do with an y situation in my life, or maybe they do. Today, I went from semi-strong to the lowest numb before weak because some little kid in Wal-Mart was saying "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" at the top of his lungs, and she yelled at him.

I can go from Numb to Strong by a song, by a smile, by the same child that was screaming "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy", because I am so utterly happy that this woman has that child.

Memories of my friends, my family and my husband help. But Memories can be a reminder of what is no longer there, also, which doesn't help.

So, in my fluctuations and grief, please ignore my swings. I don't know when they are going to happen. I don't know exactly how or why they happen, but I am trying to figure that out so that I can prepare for them, and hopefully protect everyone (namely- April, my family and his family) from them.

I try not to write on Weak days. Those will just come out very, very, very "poor me". I don't generally write on overly strong days either, because I am so busy getting stuff done and being productive.

I really don't like feeling Numb, either. Matt and my relationship was never, ever, ever numb. Nor will it ever be. It was always Strong. That is who I will become again someday. I know it. He wouldn't want it any other way, and honestly, neither do I. I guess it is just the weakness and numbness that happens in the meantime that is exhausting.

One of my favorite songs through this has been This Too Shall Pass. I listened to it almost nonstop the first few nights after Matt's accident. Each day is another day without him, which I suppose is why lately I have had lots more weak days than I did in the beginning, but I know that he and God will carry me through this. I have no other way to look at life but by that. There is a passage in the song that says:

The one that loved me the most

Turned around and hurt me the worst

I'm trying my best to [stay strong*]

But the pain just keeps singing me songs

*my change- it fits my situation better, I think.

How true is that?!? Her voice is complete perfection with emotion as well, which really brings me peace. My friend Karla first shared this song with me a long, long, long time ago after her Granddaddy died. I didn't realize its true meaning then, or how it applied, because to me it seemed like it was a break up song. Now I know it is definitely not.

The whole song is beautiful and honest and pure. It reminds me of Matt in that way. I wish I would have known how much that song would bring me strength when he was alive so I could have shared it with him more.

Someday, I will get to the point of one of the final passages of the song:

All of a sudden I realized

That it only hurts worse to fight it

So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning Light.

If anyone feels like checking this song out, it is beautiful. It is India Arie This Too Shall Pass.

I am going to try to clean now, as writing this has brought me from Numb to a 9 of Strength, I think. Thank you for reading/listening to me. Now it is time to get productive and then head to my Daddy's.