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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

There's No Place Like Home

Home. People say I am home. Maybe I am. This is where I grew up, or technically grew up. I know people, I know my way around (usually), and I have people I can count on.

Utah, then, could also be considered my home. Its a little different. I don't know my way around as well, but I know how to get to Him.

Tennessee is my home, though. Tennessee is Our Home. It is where Matt and I established our home. It is where we put so much blood, sweat and my tears in to, just to make it our home. It is where Matt spent his final days and weeks prior to deployment making the house ready for him to be "gone for a few months". Our home is on Broadripple Drive, with a large, steep driveway. That is our home.

I have been in Illinois for almost 7 weeks now. Don't get me wrong. We are having a wonderful time with family, and my Mom and Harry, Christy and her husband Shane, and even Dave, Dakota and Abby have been big helps with Gabriel. This part is wonderful. I appreciate this so much. But, today, I realize what we have been missing not being home.

Some of it is just mundane stuff that needs to be done when you own a home. Firstly, my "first of the month" list as I like to call it: Changing the air filter, putting the septic stuff in the toilets, changing the Arm & Hammer in the refridgerator...I have missed that since July, and that is because I was here visiting for a week, not knowing I would return a week later for my little blessing.

We are also missing other preventative and/or mundane things- I need to go to the dentist for my checkup. Lily hasn't gotten her hartguard, or her flea drops, I have other appointments I need to go to, I haven't been able to keep up with the therapy that I need to be doing and participating in. The grass may need to be mowed again. Lily is due for her yearly shots this month. The trailor is sitting in front of my yard, which is certain to eventually annoy the neighbors. Our mail is, I am sure, piling up. I asked the post office to hold it. I should ask them to throw all the junk mail away! But, what am I missing? I know there is something important in there from my employer, but I can't get to it. I am here. It is there.

I miss my family there. I miss my friends there. Lily misses her yard, I miss my yard. Gabriel is outgrowing the bassinet that my mom had for him, which means that he has outgrown the one that I have for him, even before ever laying in it. Gabriel hasn't met my best friend yet. I want to have his pictures taken, but can't, because she is there and we are here. Gabriel hasn't gotten to meet my other friends there, they haven't gotten to see the shear joy that this little man gives me.

I miss my pictures of Matt. I miss our bed. I miss seeing his clothes in the closet. I miss his shoes.

It's time to go home. Please pray that we can go home soon.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Dear Gabriel

As I sit here and watch you sleep, I just can't stop thinking about how incredibly lucky I am that God brought you in to my life. He brought you here at a time when I was not sure that happiness could exist anymore.

Looking in to your eyes, I see your Angel Daddy. Your eyes are only a little darker than his were, and it makes me so happy to think that you might someday, somehow, resemble your Angel Daddy. He and you both have very long toes. I love your long toes. It was our dream to have you, and be a Family. I know that he is always here watching over us, protecting us, and keeping us safe and healthy.

More than anything, I see your Angel Daddy in the way that you look at me. You look at me knowing that I am here to protect you, and that I will always love you. That is how your Angel Daddy looked at me. And that is how I looked at him too. We always knew we were a match made in Heaven. Luckily for me, I have had two opportunities at this.

I may not have carried you in my tummy, but I have carried you in my heart. I prayed and prayed that you would come in to my life, somehow. And now, here you are, just right next to me. Snuggling and comfortable.

I am going to give you the best life that I can give you, and all the Love that you deserve. Forever. I love you, my little boy. Thank you for making Mommy so happy, and for fulfilling her life.

Love,

Mommy