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Monday, January 31, 2011

Pictures

I don't have enough. I just don't have enough. I don't have enough of him and I don't have enough of us together.

I don't have enough because we didn't have enough time together. I took, and we took, our lives for granted. We took our lives together for granted. We KNEW this was a possibility, and we STILL took it for granted. In an earlier post this deployment, I said that I was going to have a camera in his face his entire R&R. I meant it. I needed to see the way that he looked at me, up close. I needed to see his smile. I needed to see his kiss to me. I needed this to get me through the remaining three months of deployment. Now I don't have them for the rest of my life. I have a few, but they aren't enough. There would never be enough to fill this, to fill the rest of my life without him.

I have a couple videos, and only one where he is the primary focus. One that, thank goodness, he did for Greg and Kim when they got married. Thank goodness I get to hear his voice and see his face move at the same time. But, no matter what, he was still far, far away from me.

I need him. I need Matt more than anything, and more than anything, he is the one thing that I can no longer have. I need my best, best friend. I miss my best, best friend. I miss the friend who will never judge me, and who will always make me smile. I need him. I need him because he would be able to make whatever is wrong in my life right. He wouldn't do it himself, he would push me to do it, and I would do it, but WE would do it together. He is doing that now, but it is very, very different. And, I have to wonder how much of it is me "talking for him". I know that if he were here and he would see me hurt like this, he would do anything that he possibly could to make it better. So many of my friends and family are trying so hard to do that, and no one can. I suppose if he were here, I obviously wouldn't be in this situation, and I wouldn't know what it feels like to lose at this incredibly hurtful and horrible manner. He doesn't want to see me hurt like this. Maybe that is why he had to go?

I am trying so hard to not hurt like this. I am trying to do anything in my power to make the hurt go away. Sometimes it just stops me in my tracks. I am fine, or so I think, and then night falls, it gets quiet, and then I stop. I stare, I can't find enough pictures. I don't have enough pictures that capture everything about him. I just don't have them. I can't see in a picture what I could see in his heart, but at least I can see something. I can look at something. Now, he looks to me like a cloud. Like a beautiful cloud. Sometimes he is in my mind and in my head, but I can't see him. That is when I close my eyes, and I can hear him, but I only see the sky. Sometimes I see him and picture him, but it is never the same as if I were to feel him.

It will never be enough. We lost so much that day.

I think that he is watching me. He sometimes laughs with me, sometimes he cries with me. Sometimes he holds my hand, but he is always with me. Sometimes he is there louder than others. Sometimes he tells me to quit pushing so hard, and other times he tells me to push harder. I just need to know if it is him or if it is my little inner voice. I can't differentiate them sometimes.

I want him to come home.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Can't Believe It

Well, it has now been 4 months and 4 days. I can't believe it. I can't believe this is my life.

We had such a plan. We knew what we wanted to do, and now I am left here trying to do it or not, and trying to decide how to do it or not. How in the heck am I supposed to do any of this without him?

If you would have asked me 4 months and 5 days ago what I would be doing this very week, I would have said cleaning, making sure that all of the projects were done, working my butt off trying to get ahead so that I could take a week off with my husband when he got home. Who knows, I maybe even would have said that I was preparing to take him with to his first doctor's appointment for our first baby. Four months and 5 days ago I wouldn't have had a date to think about just yet, but I would have known by now, and I know that I would be doing so much more than just sitting here wondering "Why?".

I can't believe that my life changed in one day. My entire life changed in one day. Our entire plan of our entire life changed in one day. Technically, in one instance.

I know that he wouldn't want me to mope around. That is precisely why I am trying not to do that. I have been trying to do something constantly to keep my mind off of things. In the last 4 months and 4 days, I have travelled, I have extended our driveway (with my Daddy and his brother Jason), built a shed (also with my Daddy), installed a toilet, cleaned the garage twice, cleaned the house numerous times (although you can't tell sometimes), started back to work, I have started working out again, gone to movies, gone out with friends, gone to bed early, gone to bed late, driven around town many times, had cars fixed, turned 30, made it through the holidays, as well as our anniversary and had numerous "places to be". In the last 4 months and 4 days, I have buried my husband. And that is all that my mind really comes back to, ever.

I could never call myself lazy. I never have been lazy. Sometimes I might be lazy with "this or that", but usually that only lasts a day or so, and usually the laziness that is more because I am doing something else or my mind is elsewhere. I have to be constantly moving. I was like that even before 4 months and 4 days ago. Part of me thinks that my activities help me, but I often wonder how much it is going to hurt me in the long run, not stopping and breathing.

Matt deployed with Torch party last year. He was one of the very first four or five people from the unit that left in February. That group is starting home towards the end of this week or early next week. They are going to be home soon. MATT should be coming home with them. When we learned of him leaving early, we tried to be positive. The sooner you go, the sooner you come home. First one out, first one back. Even though every second I am not busy doing something else I am thinking about this, it still does not seem real to me. I still cannot believe that this is us. It was never supposed to be us.

So, now I have to try to figure all of this out. I am going to continue to not mope around, but I am terrified of how much this is really going to hit me when everyone else comes home. I am so, incredibly thrilled that everyone else is coming home, but I am also so, incredibly envious that they get that and absolutely devastated that he and I and our family do not. The other families get to have theirs home, why can't my husband come home? And they are all going to come home knowing that they are coming home without 9 of the greatest and bravest men of this country.

Thank you, all, for your service. Thank you to the soldiers and their families. Thank you for your sacrifice, and thank you for your honor in serving for your country. Welcome home, and please, hug yours tighter. That is exactly what I would be doing if I were given the opportunity.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Crazy

I am Crazy. I am CRAZY. But, my Mom said it best. "Tiff, you ARE crazy. You are crazy in love".

As I sit here, listening to his iPod at midnight, wide awake after having a productive and strong day, and a visit with a fellow "crazy-in-love-r", I am filing through song after song, playing however they will, and finding meaning in everything that is playing. He's talking to me. I am going to listen. You know what? "She Talks to Angels". I do. He listens. And he smiles, so I smile back. And when he talks to me, I listen. I smile, and he smiles back.

I have lost him. I have lost HIM. It took me a long time, and a long journey to find him. But, unlike so many people, I DID find HIM. I didn't settle. He DID find ME. He didn't settle. We waited and fought through the journeys, and we found each other. And, you know what? I am not going to let this physical loss take him away from me. I will see him again one day. I will hold him, hug him, kiss him, and never, ever let him go. Nothing will ever be able to separate us then. I can't wait. I have more to do on this Earth, and then it will be time for me to see him again.

I know that I have already said it many times, but he really did make me feel like the most special person on this planet, no matter how far away he was. I know who we are, and I plan on continuing that. I know who he made me. He did make me what I am, really, and it is hard to sometimes keep that going without him, but those are only minor stumbles, ultimately. He has lifted me up. He has shown me that life is hard, but there is ALWAYS a reward at the end of the struggle. HE IS MY REWARD. He was for the first 30 years of my life, and he will be when my journey is over. Selfishly, I do want him here. I want to have my cake and eat it too, but knowing that I have to find and finish my journey here so I can see him again makes it that much more important to me to find it and finish it. I will travel whatever distance I need to, just to see him, hug him, hold him and love him again.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its back to work I go.....

Wow. I can't believe I have been gone from work for 3 1/2 months! It seems so unfair to my coworkers that I have been gone that long, especially knowing how busy we were BEFORE I had to go.

Its weird. I can't even hardly picture myself back at work. Back to "normal". I know that my normal won't be normal anymore. The number one thing that will be different from then to now is that my hubby won't pop up on my chat, or call in the middle of the day. I guess that is a distraction gone, but let me tell you, that was a MUCH needed and MUCH wanted distraction.

Every time I start thinking about stuff like this, Ozzy Osbourne's song "Life Won't Wait for You" comes on. That is one of Matt's favorite artists. It is on right now. I hear that song ALL the time now. I don't know if it is new or not, but it is definitely fitting in most of my life's situations lately.

How does one take that step in to normalcy? People say that work will be good for me. That it will help me think about something else. What if I CAN'T think about it, and stop thinking about him? I used to be good at my job. What if I am NOT good at my job anymore? Honestly, my every thought is still about him. And worse yet, what if I DO stop thinking about him?!?! Terrifying.

I wish, I wish, I wish this were not true. On occasion, I even talk myself in to believing it is not real, and that he is just on a mission of some sort, and that the briefing will reveal my husband. And that he will now get out of the Army, because we will not go through this again. How crazy is that? Denial. Denial. That is all it is.

I am so scared that because we had such a short time together, I am going to think that this- HE- was all a dream. Honestly, there does not exist the perfection that he is. There really doesn't. He was human, so he did make mistakes, but he was the closest to perfection that I have ever experienced. I am trying so hard to live up to that, and absolutely terrified of failure.

With all this going on in my head, how am I supposed to focus on work? How am I supposed to be able to be as good at my job as I once was? How am I supposed to step back in to my role, just like I never left? It really doesn't seem possible. But, it has to be possible. I have to just figure it out.

I am thankful to all of my coworkers and especially my boss for helping me through this, and helping me get the time I needed, especially this last week. I needed it. I feel MUCH more prepared this week than I did last week. I honestly probably would have had a nervous breakdown last week if I were trying to go back.

So, now to step in to my new "normal". I hope it fits me.