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Monday, October 11, 2010

The Wagstaff Journey- a New Beginning?

©April Kitchin Photography
Please do not crop, copy or edit. Thank you!

September 21, 2010

I lost the Love of my Life to the Freedoms of our Country. I find comfort in two of these things.

First, I had the opportunity to meet and briefly enjoy the love of my life. I wish I had longer, Lord I wish I had longer--lots longer, bunches and bunches. However, the one year and nine months that I had him were the most amazing of my life, and I think for him too. I would not change a thing about the way I love him, the way he loves me, and the connection that we have. Forever I will be changed for that. Forever I will never take love, family or friends for granted. Forever I will love and honor him. Forever.

Secondly, I will never again take the freedoms of our country for granted. My husband died so that we could have our freedoms. We could have our speech, our religion, our right to bitch, whine and moan over the stupidest and simplest of trivial wants. My husband died so that we have the freedoms that we do have, so that we will not succumb to idiocracy and chaos. With that being said, we also have the right of free will and because of his sacrifice, we can still succumb to idiocracy and chaos, if that is the choice we make. He made it possible for people to have a CHOICE. From now on, I choose to choose correctly. Some decisions are harder than others, but I choose to choose what is best for me, and for the betterment of people. Another note on that (and please, understand that today has intermittently been a very angry day, so excuse my language): you motherF%^&&*rs that are protesting the funerals of Soldiers who DIED for YOUR FREEDOMS to be a jack ass- maybe it is time for you to stop, look at your idiocracy, and see your chaos and CHOOSE the right decision. Hmmmphf.

Anyway, back to being strong and comforted. September 21, 2010 I received the worst news I could ever possibly fathom. Somehow I knew it was coming. I knew that I wasn't going to see him again, hold him again, kiss him again or touch him again the second he had to walk away from me on February 24, 2010, just 6 weeks after we were married. The second he left me to become a soldier. The second I was the wife to a true American Hero who left me and our life to go and fight for the lives of others, to save the lives of others, so that we could have a better life and a more free life. Of course, although I knew, I didn't know. He didn't let me believe that what I was feeling was real. He didn't let me worry. "It's okay, baby, I will be home soon. Smile for me, baby baby. Just smile '-I don't want to-' Just smile for me." [And then I did.] I didn't believe him at first, but then, I did. I don't think that he lied to me. I think that he was doing exactly what he is best at. He was protecting me. He was making me know and feel how much he loves me. I feel that Today, three weeks after his accident. Three weeks after he was no longer with us in body. I know that he is hugging me, protecting me, and making this terrible, tragic moment as easy as possible. And this is what he will always be doing.

The greatest thing about Matt, my husband, is that he was always able to make one feel like this from a simple touch, smile, hug, kind word, kind act, or just his presence. He was no-nonsense, but also loving and caring. That man has the biggest heart that I have ever seen or felt. His heart is one where he loves you- strongly, softly, majestically, but loves you with everything he had, no matter what he is doing. He does this without even knowing. He does this from two inches away, or ten thousand miles away. And now, he can be two inches away from Everyone he loves--constantly. And he didn't just do it with me. He did it with every single person he knew. That is WHY he was where he was, in Afghanistan, fighting for people he did not know. That is WHY he was such a perfectionist in everything he did; that is WHY he DIED for people who don't take responsibility for themselves, all over the globe. THAT IS WHY.

I have been searching for the reason WHY the last three weeks. Why did God take mine? Why on earth would God need Matt more than I did. My ENTIRE life depended on my husband coming home to me. I am not saying I know the answers. I never will know the answers. All I know is that a new Wagstaff Journey has begun. It has taken a different turn. A much different turn, and one that I am fighting to have to take, but know I have to do it. I don't know where it is going to take me, but I am going to do it, knowing that he is standing beside me, helping me move forward, loving me and everyone else we know and love. I can't wait for the cameras to come out of the bushes to tell me this is all a joke. I will punch whoever does that, after I hug and kiss them and ask where my husband is, and to see him, to laugh with him, to love him, to never let him go. I know in my head that the cameras are not coming out of the bushes. So, in my heart, I have to continue to see him, laugh with him, love him, and never let him go.

The turn I have to take is the stance that Matt would have. I need to realize that my husband died for me, his family, his friends, and the entire nation; one could even venture to say the entire world, and I would be completely understanding, and pretty accepting, of that.

The Wagstaff Journey is bumpier, twistier, crazier than I have ever expected, but it will continue on. And it will continue on in a way that will honor, respect and love Matt, my husband (as much as I would love to put his full name here, I don't want this coming up on a google search). His family, his friends, my family, my friends- we will all come together to know how much HIS life truly meant. The unity I already feel between my family and his family, his friends and my friends--that is the strength of Matt, pulling all of his loved ones together to help support each other, love and honor each other, and ultimately, be there for HIM.

I love you sweet hubby of mine, bunches and bunches, by the way. I miss you like crazy, but as always, I will make you as proud as possible of me. I know you are hugging me constantly, loving me constantly, and always holding my hand. Forever. And for that, I Smile.


Your Adoring Wife


  1. I have goosebumps you are truly such a wonderful woman and it's easy to see why Matt chose you to be his wife. He was so lucky to have you even for the short time that he did but he will be able to be with you for eternity and you can share forever in each others arms. I love you Tiffany and may we all carry on the honor that Matt showed us after he died for each and every one of us. I will never forget and will fight in his honor and for all the military that protect us.

  2. Tiff, you have experienced a pain and loss that few can relate to or even begin to understand. You are truly a remarkable human being to be able to remain so strong and understanding. I wish I could have known Matt because he truly must have been an amazing person! Love to you always.