Today was a tough day. In the back of my mind, I knew that today is a day that I may possibly never get to celebrate, or should I say "be celebrated". However, I kept pushing it back every time it tried to come out. There are other people who this IS their day. There are other people who DO get to celebrate, and should celebrate. It is a day very earned, because from what I can tell, being a mother is very, very hard work. I celebrate them all. I love them all. Earlier today, I thought that this is not a day that I will miss celebrating, because I have never had it. I pushed it away. Besides, I was also licking other wounds today.
Tonight, however, it is hitting me really hard. It really is significant, despite what I was thinking earlier today, that I may not ever be a Mother. I may not GET to be a mother. I may not have that chance. If I ever do make that a possibility, I will never get to celebrate this day with him. I know that he would have made it very special. More importantly, I know that Matt would have been a good Daddy, an awesome Daddy. Together, we would have been awesome parents.
Not having a child is honestly one of the hardest things for me to deal with when looking at my life forward. I wanted that. We wanted that. I always saw myself with that. After I met Matt, I knew that our life was going to include children. It was going to include him being with me through a pregnancy, through labor, and through the glorious life ahead that we had. Boy, was I wrong.
It was taken from us. No matter what, HE will never have that chance. I will never have that opportunity to share it with HIM. I will never be able to look in to his eyes again, no matter what. I will never know the beauty that we could have created. I will never know what it is like to see him hold our child, our baby. To see him play catch, to see him teach her to ride a bike. To see him push them on a swing. To have a Daddy's Little Buddy, or a Daddy's Little Girl. We won't get that. I won't get a Mother's Day, and HE won't get a Father's Day.
We don't get to give that to our parents. They don't get to have our grandbabies. We don't get to have that special bond, we won't get to share in adding another generation to the family.
I feel as if I have been robbed. Matt and I have been robbed. Our entire family has been robbed. We lost him. Because we lost him, we lost our future.
Dare I say that God might have a plan for me, but he doesn't know what I want. He didn't hear my prayers. He didn't keep him safe. He took away the one who made anything in the world seem possible. He took away my happy. He took away my smile, and he took away almost all of my Hope. Its almost as if he gave me "fake it" as a replacement.
Kiss your little ones. Tell them you love them, and never, ever take them for granted.