Searching for a Purpose....

Wow. Almost ten months. So much can happen in ten months. I can't get over the thought of this timeline. Babies can be conceived, grown and born in this amount of time. Babies that I want to have, that Matt and I someday wanted to have, that would make our life complete.

Obviously, I have thought a lot about babies since Matt passed away. This is an opportunity that I may never have. When would it be my turn to be a Mommy? It has been difficult to know that Matt never will be a Daddy. That is heartbreaking. He would have been such a good Daddy. That is something that I really wanted to share with him.

But, at the same time, it is still something that I want. I want a baby. I want to be a Mommy. I have thought for nearly ten months about the correct way to approach this. I am 30 years old. Not an old maid by any means, but still old enough where my "timeline" is of concern. Especially considering that I am not ready to begin to even think about dating someone else. My life still revolves around Matt and my marriage to him. And part of that marriage and our goals was to raise a child. Should I continue on with this? My thoughts have been going wild over the past couple days. When is the time right?!?!? How do I know?!?!?!?

I started thinking about questions.

How will I know when I am prepared? I thought hard about this one. Matt and I talked about this in our premarital counseling. We both agreed that, other than the year that we wanted to have together before having children to "build" our relationship and prepare it for children, we didn't want to plan. We both felt that if we planned, we would never be ready. Babies are a blessing, and you take them when God gives them to you.

What if a child came in to my life that I could help out? What if I felt that I could give a child a life that he may otherwise not be able to have? I think that Matt and I, if approached with the opportunity, would without a doubt help a baby. We would adopt a baby and be able to provide it with a loving, caring, stable family situation. I think that we, like other newlywed couples, would try to conceive our own, but if the chance came to us, we would certainly have taken it. Sometimes babies are born into unideal situations, but when given love by the biological family, as well as the adopting family, the situation and life for the baby can be better than what they ever dreamed up. This is truly how dreams come true, I think.

I have so much love to give, when is the right time to be able to give it? How do I know I am ready? There is no way to say it, other than that the last nearly ten months have been very difficult, but I am getting through it. Day by Day, I prove myself to be more strong, to have more Faith, to take less for granted, but also to really, really crave a purpose. My purpose before Matt passed was most certainly to be his loving and caring and faithful wife, from this day forward. I knew that. I loved that, and I wanted nothing more than that. But, my life has changed. Death, unfortunately, has done us part. What is my purpose now? I love my Harley, but that is not a purpose. That is a hobby. It is a passion for some, but it is not a purpose. It is not a reason that God put me on this Earth. What is my purpose? For the last almost ten months, I have been dying to learn what my purpose is. Maybe now it is time to find out, and maybe a baby will allow me to have a purpose?

What if the situation was perfect, and it just felt right? Sometimes, as Matt and I talked about, and even Ron (Matt's dad) and I have talked about- sometimes a good situation is too easy to talk yourself out of. Of course- too good to be true comes to mind. Of course. No decision is 100% good. NO decision. There are sacrifices with any decision, I don't care how perfect it is. But, how much is one willing to lose in order to gain? What is the gain to loss ratio? Sometimes we miss opportunities because we are too scared to take the risk, we are too scared to sacrifice, or sometimes, we just don't pay attention to what is in front of us. I suppose if the situation was just perfect, I would have to consider it, weigh the sacrifices, gain to loss ratio, and make my decision.

What if it felt so right, I could tell that it was a Gift from Matt? As you probably know from previous blogs, I want and crave to feel Matt as much as possible. I want a decision such as bringing a child in to my home to have hints of Matt's approval, of his understanding, and more than anything, I want to know that he is here with me and for me!!! I wish, I wish, I wish he were here physically. Raising a child is difficult enough with two people, I'm sure. What about just one? That would be my scenario. But, I feel that if things aligned just so, maybe I would know that Matt is here, with me, helping me, and guiding me. He is always guiding me. Matt would be the baby's "Angel Daddy". I would be able to raise him knowing who Matt is, and what he died for, and also that he died for the baby and I as well. He would know "Angel Daddy", and he would know to love him, and he would know that "Angel Daddy" loves him too. "Angel Daddy" would also be able to assist me with allowing the baby to understand where he came from, and how happy he made Mommy that he came in to her life. He will always know that we will Love him forever, by the way. Bunches and Bunches. Forever.

What kind of support would I receive? Especially after having lost my husband? What if I had the entire support of our entire family and friend network? What if those closest to me were so supportive, happy, and also felt that Matt was a part of bringing a baby to me? What if I had so much positive energy coming my way that I just knew that it was the right and best decision? What if I had finally decided that those who may not be supportive are not worth my time and energy as a new Mommy? I think this is the healthiest way to raise a baby, with no time for negativity and only support, love and happiness from those that truly matter.


On Sunday, July 17, my life changed and my dream came true. I took in to custody and began the process of adopting 5 week old Gabriel Louis Wagstaff.