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Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Flip Side

Well, with Holding It All Together, I also must admit that sometimes it also seems to all fall apart.

Ugh.  Days like today...they are so hard.  I have gotten good at holding it together for Gabriel. I have gotten good at smiling for him, playing with him, laughing with him, kissing and hugging him.  And it is never fake.  It is always real.  I am good at "him". 

But, then he goes to bed. I look around my house. I have laundry to do, dishes to wash, toys to pick up, work to do, my dog to pet.  Oh my goodness. I would love to just cuddle with Lily after Gabe goes to bed. I seriously feel like she is depressed lately.  She seems so needy lately, but really, she just wants some attention, and I just can't give it to her like I want to, like I used to.

Some days, I feel so strong, so motivated, so peaceful.  But then, nights like tonight, I feel so confused, so sad, so anxious, so lonely.  And I so much need a hug from him.  I just need him to come home. I need him to come to our home. 

At least these days don't happen all the time anymore.

When we were planning our wedding, and on our wedding day, my mom teases me about my Bridezilla Moments, which were mainly that I did NOT want to make any more decisions.  I didn't.  I just wanted everyone else to make decisions, because I wanted everyone else to be happy, and I knew that I couldn't do that.  And I really had no preference, and I didn't like to be the decision maker, and I don't like to be the decision maker, unless it is a cut and dry, right or wrong decision. Right now, I don't want to make any more decisions.  I want him to make decisions.  I have left lots up to him.  I have talked to him at his gravesite, and I have told him to just "fix it".  I never have yelled at him, we never fought, I have never had so much as a cross word with him.  But, to his gravestone, yes. I have yelled at him. I have told him that he has left me in this mess, and he has to fix it.  And I feel guilty for that sometimes, but I do not want to make the decisions. 

He said that he would always be there for me; that he would always be watching me.  I so hope that is true.  Death is so final- for the living.  I have tried and tried to make it not be final for us.  It can't be final for us.  I am not ready for it to be final for us.  I. Still. Need. Him!!

Today, and tonight, it rained. And rained. And rained.  Rainy days make me more emotional. I suppose it is because it suppresses my activity, and it is gloomy.  But, tonight, I felt like he was here with me, and that he was crying with me.  Or for me?  I don't know.  He is here, but I can't feel him.  Its almost like I feel him looking at me from the corner, or something, and he doesn't want to come close to me.

But I know I miss him.  I know I need him, and that I have a lot of life to look forward to, without him.  I am so thankful for the time we have had together, I will always be.  But, that doesn't leave me not wanting more.

Sometimes, I want to take my pain off the shelf and nurse it again, I guess.  My shelf is not dusty, it is always in sight, and it is always within reach.

I love you, sweetheart. I miss you so, so, so much.  I wish you would just come back...

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