Strong, Weak and Numb

I realize now that days are not measured by "Good" or "Bad". Life, for me now anyways, is measured by a Strength scale. Some days measure higher than others. A 9 or 10 is a strong day. A 1 or 2 is a weak day. Anything in between is just a Numb day.

On a Strong day, I can eat normally, I can sleep, I can be productive, and I can even laugh. Those are the days when I feel like my family and friends, and most of all Matt, are near me, helping us all get through the days. Together we will get through this. Those are the days that I am not afraid that someone else is going to get hurt or die that day. Those are good days.

On a Weak day, I am crying. I am angry, I am sad, I am just beside myself in pain- physical, mental and emotional. There is no eating. There is not very much sleeping, there is absent-mindedness, clumsiness, and more than anything, selfishness. I can't see past myself on those days, other than with the overwhelming fear that it is someone else's time which is going to hurt me worse than I am already hurting. I really, really dislike weak days.

All the other days are Numb days. I don't feel anything. I don't really want to talk to anyone or do anything, but I still push myself through the motions of getting stuff done. I eat, but not because I am hungry- because I know I have to. I sleep in exhaustion, although probably not as good as I should.

My days vary between all three levels as well. I can go from Strong to Weak in the snap of a finger, or the words of a stranger that have absolutely nothing to do with an y situation in my life, or maybe they do. Today, I went from semi-strong to the lowest numb before weak because some little kid in Wal-Mart was saying "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" at the top of his lungs, and she yelled at him.

I can go from Numb to Strong by a song, by a smile, by the same child that was screaming "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy", because I am so utterly happy that this woman has that child.

Memories of my friends, my family and my husband help. But Memories can be a reminder of what is no longer there, also, which doesn't help.

So, in my fluctuations and grief, please ignore my swings. I don't know when they are going to happen. I don't know exactly how or why they happen, but I am trying to figure that out so that I can prepare for them, and hopefully protect everyone (namely- April, my family and his family) from them.

I try not to write on Weak days. Those will just come out very, very, very "poor me". I don't generally write on overly strong days either, because I am so busy getting stuff done and being productive.

I really don't like feeling Numb, either. Matt and my relationship was never, ever, ever numb. Nor will it ever be. It was always Strong. That is who I will become again someday. I know it. He wouldn't want it any other way, and honestly, neither do I. I guess it is just the weakness and numbness that happens in the meantime that is exhausting.

One of my favorite songs through this has been This Too Shall Pass. I listened to it almost nonstop the first few nights after Matt's accident. Each day is another day without him, which I suppose is why lately I have had lots more weak days than I did in the beginning, but I know that he and God will carry me through this. I have no other way to look at life but by that. There is a passage in the song that says:

The one that loved me the most

Turned around and hurt me the worst

I'm trying my best to [stay strong*]

But the pain just keeps singing me songs

*my change- it fits my situation better, I think.

How true is that?!? Her voice is complete perfection with emotion as well, which really brings me peace. My friend Karla first shared this song with me a long, long, long time ago after her Granddaddy died. I didn't realize its true meaning then, or how it applied, because to me it seemed like it was a break up song. Now I know it is definitely not.

The whole song is beautiful and honest and pure. It reminds me of Matt in that way. I wish I would have known how much that song would bring me strength when he was alive so I could have shared it with him more.

Someday, I will get to the point of one of the final passages of the song:

All of a sudden I realized

That it only hurts worse to fight it

So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning Light.

If anyone feels like checking this song out, it is beautiful. It is India Arie This Too Shall Pass.

I am going to try to clean now, as writing this has brought me from Numb to a 9 of Strength, I think. Thank you for reading/listening to me. Now it is time to get productive and then head to my Daddy's.