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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Roses

Today has been three months. Three months?!? Where did all the time go? It seemed sometimes that during deployment, three months was like three years. Now, it seems like just a few days. It has been 91 days. It has been 13 weeks. Our lives have been turned upside down. Or, we are still in deployment mode. I can't figure out which way.

So many things have gone through my mind. So many different scenarios to figure out. My mind is quite imaginative, so some thoughts are worse than reality, while others pretend that this never happened and leave me in bliss, waiting for my husband to come home. I haven't figured out yet which ones are less hurtful. No matter what, I have to come back to the reality that he is not here.

I thought I had it figured out. I thought WE had it figured out. We did things the right way. We both waited until we found the one that we were supposed to be with. The one that was meant for each of us. We didn't settle. God pushed us so that we wouldn't settle. Together, we found that. We had that conversation so many times. There was always a reason that different relationships that we both had been in didn't work out, even if that is what we really thought we wanted, and when we found each other, we KNEW that it was because God had a greater plan for us...to find each other and to be together. Together, Matt and I could accomplish anything. We really could.

When I was in Utah, I bought this little stuffed dog at IHOP of all places. I wasn't going to, but it was cute and pink and soft. Why does a 30 year old woman need a little stuffed animal? Well, the tag said "Love to Baby" (one of our nicknames for each other). I had to pick it up. We were trying to find a name for it, and Makayla said "What about Pinky"? All I could think of was Pinky and the Brain. Then, I remembered that when I asked Matt what he wanted to do, he would say "Plan to Take Over the World", like on that show, ha ha. So, that's his name.

I am looking for signs everywhere. Probably looking too much in to them, but I am constantly looking, to know that he is right by me, pretty much at all times. The rainbows. The fact that I have somehow been able to fix stuff that I have no idea of its inner workings. The Rose. Let me tell you about the Rose. I love this one.

I went to put some roses on a friend's husband's (also KIA) grave while in Utah. She only wanted two on the grave, and they sold them only in a dozen. So, I took the rest out to Matt. Matt and I used to always joke "I love you", "I love you", and I would say "I love you infinity plus one more time than you will ever say", and he would say "and I love you one more time than that". Of course, I would laugh and tell him that he couldn't do that, because I already said "plus one more time than you will ever say". He would then say "I just did".

So, I am taking these roses out to his grave. I had already put a kiss box out there the day before. I figured I had three kiss boxes for him- one on the grave, one at his parent's house, and one for me. I would put a rose in each of the the kiss boxes. I then had 7 more, so one rose for every day of the week. I start pulling off the petals on the roses and saying "I love you, You love me". I get down to the last one, and I say "I love you. See honey? One more time than you will ever say". I get up to start straightening the flag, etc at his grave site, and there on the ground lies another petal. He just did.

I go home, and put the flowers in my kiss box, but started with "You love me, I love you". I was being very cautious this time, making sure that I didn't drop any. When finished, I ended on "I love you". I get up to get my third and final kiss box, and another petal is in the flower bag. Again. He just did.

I laughed and told him that if this happened again, I would become obsessive about it, and that I would probably go buy the grocer out of flowers. The third box, the one for his house, didn't do it this time. It ended on "You Love Me".

I am not sure if my sign-searching is helpful or not. Generally, it puts a smile on my face. Actually, it always does, because I know that he really is there watching me. But, I am also looking for signs constantly, which might distract me from other happenings at this time. And, it sometimes perpetuates the "this didn't happen" thoughts in my head.

When I need help with something, I ask him. I find the answer shortly thereafter, but I am sure that he gets a laugh out of the silly things that I am doing in the meantime until I find the answer. My dad and I put up a shed on Thanksgiving, but it needed to be finished the next day as it was too cold and rainy Thanksgiving. Well, I went out and started finishing it up, and could not figure out how I could get the panels on the roof on correctly. I played with it, got mad at it, and then asked him. Well, I had two of the panels reversed and simply had to turn them 180 degrees. And my eyes went right to it, after about 2 hours of fighting with it, and I knew what to do. Really? Like I would have figured that out alone...

I don't know why, when we both FINALLY found each other, God took him away. I have no idea why that is. I don't think it is fair. I don't think that it is fair that I, his Mom and Dad, Brother and Sister, Sister in Law, future Brother in Law, my Mom and Dad and Step Mom, my brothers and sister, our friends, our nieces and nephews, his coworkers, everyone! has to endure this pain. I hope that the bliss he is feeling in heaven is enough to overshadow every bit of hurt that we all feel now. And I know, that if the bliss he has is this much, heaven must be an incredibly wonderful and spectacular place, and one that our minds will not let us even imagine. That is the ONLY way that this is fair. Life isn't fair. Maybe Death is.

Three months. Three MONTHS I have been without him. I have been floating around "without a clue" of what to do or where to go next. I have been terrified of taking the next step of moving forward. I haven't been able to go back to work. I haven't been able to continue at the gym, I haven't been able to talk to some people that I am close with. All of it is because I feel like those are steps I am taking without him. I know that he would want me to move forward. I have been able to do things that I could do during deployment, projects for "when he comes home", but am paralyzed when it comes to the first step of Life without him.

I watched our wedding video today for the first time. I miss him. I miss that day. I miss the hopes and visions that we had of our future. I am thankful that we did not know on our wedding day that this is who I was going to be significantly less than a year later. And that he would be gone.

Why did God push us so hard so that we wouldn't settle, and then He took Matt away?

Our first anniversary is on January 2. I hope I see another Rainbow that day. And I am going to pull the petals from Roses.

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