Follow by Email

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Drained

Yeah, I suppose that is the best word to describe me right now. Drained.

I don't know what is going on with me. I honest to goodness can't find positivity. I cannot find that little piece, and a major piece, of me lately.

But, not only am I drained, I am draining. I know what it feels like to be around people like me. People who can't seem to find the good, the positive, the happy, the funny, the....anything, in anything. It is draining.

I can't figure out how I found all of that before. Now that it has been longer- almost 6 months, and I feel worse off than I was at 7 days, 1 month, 3 months, 5 months? Why is that?

I no longer have motivation. I no longer have just a little glimpse of positivity that I can run with. I used to be able to take that little piece, run with it, and take it all the way home. Yes, I stressed, of course, but I could make something happy out of pea soup if I wanted to. I could FIND that.

I feel like all I have now is fear. Maybe I am thinking too much about the future. Maybe that is the problem. It is terrifying. Every scenario is so scary. My life has so drastically changed in the last 6 months. And, because it has so drastically changed, it is hard to look forward to anything, because what if that too were stripped away?

I am dreading upcoming PCS-es and ETS-es. What am I going to do without the very support system that has held me up so far? I am terrified of losing my friends to far away places, of drifting apart from them, or of losing them completely.

I am terrified of family issues. What if something happens to one of my family members? Every little thing, unanswered calls, late night calls or texts, calls from those that I don't hear from regularly, makes me gasp, a bad scenario runs through my head, and then I find out that whatever that scenario was didn't happen. It is like my panic is my very first, innate response, and it is way more short fused than it was before. And trust me, that is super short fused.

I really want to find the positive. I am definitely not me without it. I can't feel so sulken, so empty all the time. I am hurting my family and friends. I am pushing them away, because I am draining them. I can't do this anymore, but I can't figure out where it all went or how to get it back.

I know that someday, this will all be better. This will all work out. I am going to heal, and I am going to be fine. But, I am sick of waiting. I am sick of waiting on the investigation. I am sick of waiting on results, I am sick of waiting for the next day to be better, and to be let down. I don't understand how it is so often said "Time Heals All Wounds", but the longer I go, the worse I feel lately.

I need to do something.

2 comments:

  1. I have never found it true that time heals all wounds... I have always thought that was a crappy thing to say... For example, I went back home this weekend, and visited the cemetary where my dad is, and rather than it being 6 years, it felt that I had just lost him yesterday... I broke down and cried for hours, missing my daddy. So to all of those who tell you time heals all things, if it is someone you truly love, it will never heal... Sure, it will eventually get easier, but then there are things (like the upcoming wedding) which make you feel like they were taken right before that special thing happened, before that day came, and its not fair by any means... This is a situation that sucks, by far, more than anything else in this world, losing someone prematurely is a sucky situation... I am so sorry you are struggling Tiff, but think of it as a good struggle. If you weren't struggling, that would mean that you didnt love him quite enough or as much as you thought you did.... Try looking into Matt for your strength, and most importantly, to God... However mad you may be with God right now, he is still there standing with open arms, waiting to dry your tears and give you the hope and motivation that you need..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Tabby. I think that you are right in many ways. I am frustrated, because I am losing me, and it is vanishing in front of my eyes, it seems.

    ReplyDelete