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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Turn My Grief to Grace

Wow. The last couple of months have been pretty much unbearable. The lack of focus, the confusion, the insanity- they are all impossible to deal with, really. And not only are they impossible for me to deal with, they are seemingly impossible for those I love to deal with also. Sometimes it is confronted, and it is addressed, and sometimes it is simply ignored-whatever seems to "keep the peace" at that moment. I am an active participant in these reactions as well. All any of us want is for the hurt to be gone, for all of us, but it just won't go away. Time. Time. Time. Time. TIME.

Tonight, I heard the most beautiful song that completely explains how I feel right now. I have heard it before, but it was always just a pretty song sung from a lovely voice. Tonight, I understood the meaning. One of my favorite shows, and one that Matt watched with me every week, as it was the only hour a week I cared what we watched, Grey's Anatomy, had their musical event. Well, I am certainly not a fan of turning Grey's in to Glee, but this song definitely hit a nerve.

Grace by Kate Havnevik

I'm on my knees

only memories

are left for me to hold

Dont know how

but I'll get by

Slowly pull myself together

(I'll get through this)

There's no escape

So keep me safe

This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it seems

Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold

Loneliness unfold

Like from another world

Come what may

I wont fade away

But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it was

Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily

Where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace

I've lost everything

I just want to feel your embrace

This song explains what I am feeling in words that I have never been able to put it in. I never would have known what this felt like, I never would have had this complete understanding until this huge event in my life, until my husband died and left me. I've lost everything. Nothing that I have matters. Nothing Else Matters right now. I am trying to heal. And, apparently to heal, I must hurt immensely, and fake my way through each day. Sometimes I am better at this than others.

Someday I will find peace. Someday I will heal. Right now, my wounds are wide open and gaping. My heart is shredded. My life has been stolen. My spirit has been broken. I am trying to pull myself together. I want this to happen so badly, but, as she says in the song, it happens "slowly". More slowly than I am allowing myself. I know I need to be gentler on myself at times, but I want to be back to "normal". I said in the beginning that I was going to have to find a new normal. I have not yet found that. I was terrified of the new normal before, but now I am terrified of staying in this abnormal state for a lifetime.

I was just telling April tonight after dinner, before we watched Grey's, that all I feel is Insanity. My head knows that Matt isn't coming back, but despite that, and despite many, many comments and confirmations that this is the truth, that he is gone forever, my heart won't let go. My heart honestly won't let me believe that he is not coming home to me, that he is not going to be here for us to finish our life together. My heart won't let me believe this. My heart is much stronger than my head. My heart can talk my head in to anything.

There are side effects to grief too. I am terrified that those I love will leave me. They won't be able to continue this journey with me, and will leave me behind in their dust. I have already experienced this. You do truly find out who is there for you during these times. I am too much, or this situation I am in is too much. They move forward. I am stuck here. Or, those that are here for me, I am afraid God will take them from me too. This is my biggest worry. Unanswered phone calls instantly turn to desperation, anxiety, disbelief, fear of the worst. Insanity.

Also, more than anything, I just want a hug. That sounds so silly. I have had so many hugs. I have had so many people offer me hugs, lend an open ear, let me vent, let me go crazy if I need to, but I just need a hug. I have even denied hugs, because they felt suffocating. I don't need just any hug. I need the only all-in-one healing, protecting, compassionate, loving embrace that I have ever truly felt. I need his hug. I need his protective embrace. I need him to take me, hold me, tell me it is all going to be alright, and that I will get through this. In our short time together, I learned what his embrace meant. I used to want to step away, be left alone when I was having a bad moment, an angry moment, a sad moment or a hurt moment. I needed to shy away. I needed to walk away. I was taught through experiences with past relationships that an embrace during these moments reinforces the upset behavior. Or worse yet, they were given only because of sympathy. Never compassion. I didn't want that, so I learned to walk away. But, Matt taught me what strength, protection, compassion, love and trust in a relationship truly were. He taught me that his hug could be as soft as a friendly, loving gesture, or as strong as a protecting sheet of armor.

I feel like I should be so much further along than I am at this point. I feel like I should be more adjusted. I feel like I should be more acclimated to my new life, my new life without him. When I compare myself, I feel like I am still at step one. I can't let go. I can't stop looking for him to return home. I can't leave the time, the very short, and very, very important time, that we had together. Every forward step in life is a backward step in grief it feels. It is removing a sheet of that armor, exposing me raw, unprotected, naive and hurt.

I need a hug that is strong enough to hold me up when I fall to pieces. When that hug comes, that is what I will do. I feel like I have done that already, and that is what the insanity is. But, I can tell that I haven't allowed myself to fall to pieces to the full extent that I need to. I am not sure that I ever will. And thus, I need my Grief to turn to Grace. I need to learn to rely on myself, and the life and love that Matt and I had. Forever. Nothing Else Matters.