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Monday, January 31, 2011

Pictures

I don't have enough. I just don't have enough. I don't have enough of him and I don't have enough of us together.

I don't have enough because we didn't have enough time together. I took, and we took, our lives for granted. We took our lives together for granted. We KNEW this was a possibility, and we STILL took it for granted. In an earlier post this deployment, I said that I was going to have a camera in his face his entire R&R. I meant it. I needed to see the way that he looked at me, up close. I needed to see his smile. I needed to see his kiss to me. I needed this to get me through the remaining three months of deployment. Now I don't have them for the rest of my life. I have a few, but they aren't enough. There would never be enough to fill this, to fill the rest of my life without him.

I have a couple videos, and only one where he is the primary focus. One that, thank goodness, he did for Greg and Kim when they got married. Thank goodness I get to hear his voice and see his face move at the same time. But, no matter what, he was still far, far away from me.

I need him. I need Matt more than anything, and more than anything, he is the one thing that I can no longer have. I need my best, best friend. I miss my best, best friend. I miss the friend who will never judge me, and who will always make me smile. I need him. I need him because he would be able to make whatever is wrong in my life right. He wouldn't do it himself, he would push me to do it, and I would do it, but WE would do it together. He is doing that now, but it is very, very different. And, I have to wonder how much of it is me "talking for him". I know that if he were here and he would see me hurt like this, he would do anything that he possibly could to make it better. So many of my friends and family are trying so hard to do that, and no one can. I suppose if he were here, I obviously wouldn't be in this situation, and I wouldn't know what it feels like to lose at this incredibly hurtful and horrible manner. He doesn't want to see me hurt like this. Maybe that is why he had to go?

I am trying so hard to not hurt like this. I am trying to do anything in my power to make the hurt go away. Sometimes it just stops me in my tracks. I am fine, or so I think, and then night falls, it gets quiet, and then I stop. I stare, I can't find enough pictures. I don't have enough pictures that capture everything about him. I just don't have them. I can't see in a picture what I could see in his heart, but at least I can see something. I can look at something. Now, he looks to me like a cloud. Like a beautiful cloud. Sometimes he is in my mind and in my head, but I can't see him. That is when I close my eyes, and I can hear him, but I only see the sky. Sometimes I see him and picture him, but it is never the same as if I were to feel him.

It will never be enough. We lost so much that day.

I think that he is watching me. He sometimes laughs with me, sometimes he cries with me. Sometimes he holds my hand, but he is always with me. Sometimes he is there louder than others. Sometimes he tells me to quit pushing so hard, and other times he tells me to push harder. I just need to know if it is him or if it is my little inner voice. I can't differentiate them sometimes.

I want him to come home.

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