Its weird. I can't even hardly picture myself back at work. Back to "normal". I know that my normal won't be normal anymore. The number one thing that will be different from then to now is that my hubby won't pop up on my chat, or call in the middle of the day. I guess that is a distraction gone, but let me tell you, that was a MUCH needed and MUCH wanted distraction.
Every time I start thinking about stuff like this, Ozzy Osbourne's song "Life Won't Wait for You" comes on. That is one of Matt's favorite artists. It is on right now. I hear that song ALL the time now. I don't know if it is new or not, but it is definitely fitting in most of my life's situations lately.
How does one take that step in to normalcy? People say that work will be good for me. That it will help me think about something else. What if I CAN'T think about it, and stop thinking about him? I used to be good at my job. What if I am NOT good at my job anymore? Honestly, my every thought is still about him. And worse yet, what if I DO stop thinking about him?!?! Terrifying.
I wish, I wish, I wish this were not true. On occasion, I even talk myself in to believing it is not real, and that he is just on a mission of some sort, and that the briefing will reveal my husband. And that he will now get out of the Army, because we will not go through this again. How crazy is that? Denial. Denial. That is all it is.
I am so scared that because we had such a short time together, I am going to think that this- HE- was all a dream. Honestly, there does not exist the perfection that he is. There really doesn't. He was human, so he did make mistakes, but he was the closest to perfection that I have ever experienced. I am trying so hard to live up to that, and absolutely terrified of failure.
With all this going on in my head, how am I supposed to focus on work? How am I supposed to be able to be as good at my job as I once was? How am I supposed to step back in to my role, just like I never left? It really doesn't seem possible. But, it has to be possible. I have to just figure it out.
I am thankful to all of my coworkers and especially my boss for helping me through this, and helping me get the time I needed, especially this last week. I needed it. I feel MUCH more prepared this week than I did last week. I honestly probably would have had a nervous breakdown last week if I were trying to go back.
So, now to step in to my new "normal". I hope it fits me.