We had such a plan. We knew what we wanted to do, and now I am left here trying to do it or not, and trying to decide how to do it or not. How in the heck am I supposed to do any of this without him?
If you would have asked me 4 months and 5 days ago what I would be doing this very week, I would have said cleaning, making sure that all of the projects were done, working my butt off trying to get ahead so that I could take a week off with my husband when he got home. Who knows, I maybe even would have said that I was preparing to take him with to his first doctor's appointment for our first baby. Four months and 5 days ago I wouldn't have had a date to think about just yet, but I would have known by now, and I know that I would be doing so much more than just sitting here wondering "Why?".
I can't believe that my life changed in one day. My entire life changed in one day. Our entire plan of our entire life changed in one day. Technically, in one instance.
I know that he wouldn't want me to mope around. That is precisely why I am trying not to do that. I have been trying to do something constantly to keep my mind off of things. In the last 4 months and 4 days, I have travelled, I have extended our driveway (with my Daddy and his brother Jason), built a shed (also with my Daddy), installed a toilet, cleaned the garage twice, cleaned the house numerous times (although you can't tell sometimes), started back to work, I have started working out again, gone to movies, gone out with friends, gone to bed early, gone to bed late, driven around town many times, had cars fixed, turned 30, made it through the holidays, as well as our anniversary and had numerous "places to be". In the last 4 months and 4 days, I have buried my husband. And that is all that my mind really comes back to, ever.
I could never call myself lazy. I never have been lazy. Sometimes I might be lazy with "this or that", but usually that only lasts a day or so, and usually the laziness that is more because I am doing something else or my mind is elsewhere. I have to be constantly moving. I was like that even before 4 months and 4 days ago. Part of me thinks that my activities help me, but I often wonder how much it is going to hurt me in the long run, not stopping and breathing.
Matt deployed with Torch party last year. He was one of the very first four or five people from the unit that left in February. That group is starting home towards the end of this week or early next week. They are going to be home soon. MATT should be coming home with them. When we learned of him leaving early, we tried to be positive. The sooner you go, the sooner you come home. First one out, first one back. Even though every second I am not busy doing something else I am thinking about this, it still does not seem real to me. I still cannot believe that this is us. It was never supposed to be us.
So, now I have to try to figure all of this out. I am going to continue to not mope around, but I am terrified of how much this is really going to hit me when everyone else comes home. I am so, incredibly thrilled that everyone else is coming home, but I am also so, incredibly envious that they get that and absolutely devastated that he and I and our family do not. The other families get to have theirs home, why can't my husband come home? And they are all going to come home knowing that they are coming home without 9 of the greatest and bravest men of this country.
Thank you, all, for your service. Thank you to the soldiers and their families. Thank you for your sacrifice, and thank you for your honor in serving for your country. Welcome home, and please, hug yours tighter. That is exactly what I would be doing if I were given the opportunity.
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