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Monday, March 15, 2010

Missing Him- My Own Little Selfish World

I wanted to blog about our spa day. I really did. I actually wrote one, and was waiting for my pictures to upload, but then lost it when I actually was trying to upload the pictures. Now, I think I need another spa day, ha ha.

Of course the spa day was good, and relaxing, and a wonderful time with the girls. That was great. However, I think that it jiggled my "strength" away. I think that I was so strong because I was so stressed. Maybe a constant "I have to deal with this" feeling. The spa day seemed to have relaxed me enough to allow me to let it go. I wish now that maybe I could go back to "strong". Strong was easier.

Matt didn't call me at all this weekend. He couldn't call me at all. I have gotten so spoiled and used to him calling. I couldn't help but feel a bit of anger, and maybe a little bit forgotten. I know that is not what it was, but that is how I was feeling. I also had feelings of guilt for being angry. How selfish of me.

Reisa, one of my saving graces, called me on Sunday morning, and told me that the phone lines were down where Matt was at. That made me feel better, and less angry I guess. I talked with Paige, and Trina, and of course April about it. We had an issue during our Saturday night girls night, so the Blue Ray player wasn't working. John and Paige came over and John fixed it. That was very nice. Well, the video in the blue ray was of our wedding pictures, those that we had had throughout the years, and a compilation of those that we had together. I have watched this since he left, but yesterday, decided I wanted to watch it. It then became a weird addiction. These pictures are all I have of him right now. So, I watched it seven times. I laughed the first time, cried the next time, laughed, cried....

I know they say don't watch the news. You shouldn't look at the news, or read the news. I have been pretty good about that, because I don't want to know what is happening over there, and because I try to heed the advice of those who have done this before. I am an incredibly anxious, and worrisome person. I was not going to watch it. After I talked with Reisa, and Paige and Trina yesterday, I got on the internet to email Matt and tell him how I was feeling, and that I loved him, and that I knew that he couldn't contact me just yet. On my home page, the first article- bomb in Khandahar. I had to read it. I only read long enough to know that no soldiers were killed. I knew he was safe anyway, even when reading it, but it hit me....hard....I guess it was the first real realization that I had had that he wasn't just over there being bored. He was over where there war was taking place. People were getting hurt, people were dying. I knew this in my head the whole time, of course, but it became more real to me.

Talking to the girls, they have all gone through this before, they seem to understand, but they seem to deal with it so much stronger than I did. I called my mom, because I didn't want to bother anyone with my "freakout", but I had to get it out. I messaged my brother, a flight engineer for the Navy, who had some consoling words. He has been there, and could offer me consolation about what Matt was probably thinking or feeling. I can't help but be upset with myself. Here I am, worried and sad and scared and angry at this stupid war. Matt and the other soldiers, are over there, in the midst of all of this, and they just carry on as I would for my job. My job that the largest risk I have is some stranger yelling at me. They have to be strong, courageous, and they have to carry on their days with a clear head, and they have to supress all their worry, sadness, fear and anger. They can't risk having a "freakout", as it would put their lives, and others' lives, in danger. They don't get a spa day to relax, or they don't get to have a drink to help console them. They just do what they have to do.

Today, I tried to work. I could not get out of bed (well, the couch, because I could not sleep in my bed last night). When I did, I tried to work, but could not take my mind off of it, could not clear my head and focus on what I had to do. I had to stop. I was no good to anyone if I kept "trying". Matt doesn't get a day off. He doesn't get to call in because he "can't take it today".

How selfish of me. How incredibly, horribly selfish of me.

I did get to talk to him last night. He told me he was okay. All I could do was cry and tell him how horrible the day was for me, that I didn't hear from him, and that I was scared. How freaking selfish. Boo freaking hoo. Now he has to think all day that I am here sad. On top of everything else he has to worry about.

So, I might have these days in the future, I am sure that I will. But, I am going to do my darndest to keep it to myself.

I am sorry, honey, for upsetting you. I am sorry that I have been so self-centered, when you are over there not just for you, not just for me, but for everyone in this country, fighting this stupid war. I want you to come home now. I love you, baby. I miss you so much.

4 comments:

  1. We love you Tiffany...and I am here for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. And please don't feel selfish for having those moments. We all do. Yes they are over there sacrificing everything for us. But guess what...we are sacrificing something too. So it is ok to break down when you need to. ((HUGS))

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  2. I am always awake at odd hours in the night, you can call me or text me any time you need a "freak out" session. I may not know exactly how you feel but I am a good listener. We love you and you are VERY STRONG! Give yourself more credit. This is new to you and your feelings are valid. Just know we are only a phone call away!

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  3. Don't feel selfish! You have to let the feelings out or they will consume you. Nobody can be strong all the time. It will be OK and it will get better as the deployment goes on. Just know that I love you very much! Don't ever stop telling me how you feel, even if you cry. I'm your husband and that is what I am here for, even if I am half way around the world. Have a better week and remember to try to smile every day (even if you don't want to since I'm not there to force it out of you)! I love you!

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